Log in

21 January 2006 @ 01:06 pm
A question for the Broads  
I've been sort of counseling a few people through cheating episodes in their relationships, or that ended the relationship. And the most disturbing thing to me about this is the almost total placing of blame on the other woman.

I think I've managed to drill through the head of at least one of these people that, while yes, the other woman is at fault (particularly if she knew the guy was in a relationship), the majority of the blame rests with the cheater. You don't know what he's told these other women about your relationship. In one case, due to related drama, its pretty plain what he told the other woman (emotionally abused me, didn't understand me, didn't even try to save the relationship, blah, blah, blah). They aren't the ones who made the promise of a relationship to YOU. HE is. So why is it ok to place the blame on these "evil temptresses" who may not even have known you existed?

As a broad, I have found myself tarred with this brush by the significant others of guys who I did not even KNOW were in a relationship. How the fuck am I supposed to honor something I didn't know existed? But somehow it was still all my fault the guy strayed.

I can't be the only one who thinks this is a fucked up aspect of female society. This "stand by your man" bullshit that gives them free rein to be shits while the women duke it out over their unworthy asses.

Sorry, this just chaps my hide. On MIA's album she has a song about a girl who fucked her boyfriend, "You fucked my man and wrecked my home."

Not, "He fucked around on me." The entire onus is put on the other woman. Fuck, watch any of the Montel/Jerry/Sally shows out there.

A further line in the song is, "You might've had him once, but I got him all the time."

Why would you want his cheating ass all the time? Kick him to the curb, wear big stompy boots while you're doing it. GAH!

I know this is only vaguely Broad related, in that I know I've been victim of it, and I'm sure others of you have. Broads seem to be favorite targets of this.
raising_caineraising_caine on January 21st, 2006 10:21 pm (UTC)
"the most disturbing thing to me about this is the almost total placing of blame on the other woman."

It's damn near 'etched in stone' tradition to dump on the women involved in a cheating scenario. A couple of years ago, I stumbled on a message board for 'other women'. After spending an evening scraping my jaw off the ground, I did a lot of thinking.

My take: the wife/wives are often in a position of not wanting to face the truth, so the mental missiles are aimed at the 'other woman.' Much like a parent who refuses to face the fact their kid isn't a good kid, i.e., he/she fell in with the wrong crowd. The picket fence and the fairy tale are at stake, so you have to target an outside evil.

Having been married for 27 years myself, I know it can be difficult to face potential problems head on. However, if all parties concerned let the relationship slide, and gloss over things, there shouldn't be any surprises when a new relationship looks better than repairing the old fixer upper.

The 'other woman' tends to aim the missiles at the wife. She's a bitch, she doesn't understand him, she doesn't take care of him, etc. The man is usually the desire object, so he ends up being the one 'untouchable' in the verbal poison wars.

I agree with you that it is one very fucked up perspective. Outside of placing 99.9% of the population in the shop for a complete rewire, I don't see it changing. It's a pity too, as I've been tarred with the brush myself, even when wives are *in* the room - oh he likes *you*. Well, sorry about that - I can't change who I am. The fact that I'm not looking at their man with anything resembling lust never matters at all.
Wicked Bitch of the Westsirriamnis on January 21st, 2006 11:39 pm (UTC)
I just keep thinking that if I do some re-wiring one person at a time, then they can go out and re-wire and maybe common sense will become viral.

Ok, its a beautiful, if futile dream.
raising_caine: Dame Spikeraising_caine on January 22nd, 2006 12:18 am (UTC)
"maybe common sense will become viral."

That's a dream worth having and holding. 'World Common Sense'. I can imagine it.
Holonsamajh on January 22nd, 2006 01:13 am (UTC)
The only case I can imagine where more of the fault lay with the other woman was if I were with an infantile man who had no brain, no free will, etc....And it's not bloody likely I would ever pick a guy like that!
Otherwise they are clearly BOTH guilty. How people deal with that is always a challenge, but there's no point in pretending that only one person is at fault.
Tamera (Tammy): strait facejavagoth on January 22nd, 2006 02:39 am (UTC)
Having been the unintentional other woman a couple times now - yeah it would be nice if people didn't assume I was a "home-wrecker". I lost a friend (granted in retrospect she wasn't much of one anyway) because I refused to help her cheat on her husband. I was married and monogamous for 11 years - I know how I'd have felt if I was cheated on so have zero desire to do that to someone else.

In one case the guy outright LIED to me. In another I just didn't think to ask and it only came out in conversation after the fact. We didn't have intercourse - which I now wonder is because he could then say to himself that he didn't really cheat because it wasn't really sex (the Clinton defense). We had a talk about it and I took some responsibility for not asking but I let him know that him not saying something put me in the position of unknowingly being the "other woman" and it was pretty clear that hadn't occured to him either. Hopefully lessons have been learned on both sides. The sad part, to me, is that he did this because he was hiding his crossdressing desire from his partner (I don't think they were married) because he didn't want her to break up with him - he'd had that happen in the past. It didn't bother me one bit if he wore a skirt and wig while we were messing around. I told him I thought it would be better to be honest and hold out for someone that would be OK with him being who he is.
Sunday's Clownglossolalia on January 22nd, 2006 10:21 am (UTC)
Too many people just don't want to be alone, and will put up with the most ridiculous amount of shit. By blaming the "bitch who stole my man", they can stay with the asshole---and probably even boost his ego by fighting over him.

I have always been angrier at the cheaters in my life, but I am still quite angry (and disappointed, in some cases) at the people who enable the cheater, unless there has been out-and-out deception. In fact, it's one of the fastest ways to get me pissed at you.
(Anonymous) on January 5th, 2008 06:49 pm (UTC)
Thanks for writing this
I recently let myself become involved with a separated guy (I know, very stupid thing to do, I'd made an exception in this case). Before anything got physical, I told him I didn't want to get in the middle of anything or be part of deceiving anyone for Golden Rule/Karma reasons. He reassured me that it wasn't an issue in this case. Which I stupidly took to mean they had an agreement to see other people. Well, eventually, things added up to she had no clue he was seeing other people. So I ended it (telling him off in the process). He had no problem lying to me about this.

While I'm not excusing my own responsibility in dating a separated man, what's to stop guys from lying about being single? There are certain red flags to watch out for (do you go to his place too, does he give you his home/work nos., introduce you to friends & family). But there are a lot of ways people can worm their way around this stuff. At this point, I'm putting my dating life on hold because I don't trust my own judgment. And the guilt & remorse I feel over this is so enormous & intense I feel like I don't deserve love after what I've done.
Wicked Bitch of the Westsirriamnis on January 6th, 2008 03:16 am (UTC)
Re: Thanks for writing this
Trust me. There's a reason I've written about people who manage to cheat in open relationships, because someone I trusted to not lie to me did just that, and when his wife found out she and I wound up going around and around after it.

Yes, I should have known better than to take anyone's word that it was ok to sleep with them, even though they were already sleeping with other people. I should have talked to her. But A. I didn't believe that someone who was my friend to begin with would do something like that to me, and he played off of something she herself had said to me about not wanting to know what he was up to with his other women.

I know your pain well.
(Anonymous) on January 9th, 2008 03:18 am (UTC)
Re: Thanks for writing this
Thanks again, knowing other women have gone through this is a source of support.